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My Goldman Sachs Application Cover Letter

Lloyd Blankfein
CEO

Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein. Goldman Sachs is "a great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money," says Rolling Stone's Matt Taibbi

Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein. Goldman Sachs is “a great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money,” says Rolling Stone’s Matt Taibbi

Goldman Sachs, Inc.
200 West Street
New York, New York 10282

Dear Mr. Blankfein,

I am very interested in a position with your firm. I cannot recall when I first heard of Goldman Sachs; after all, Goldman, like Merrill Lynch, is so famous that any person will have internalized the company name after multiple media encounters, similar to how Coca-Cola ad placements in television shows eventually give one permanent subliminal thoughts of that delicious syrupy carbonated beverage. But I have come to know, appreciate, and, one could say, love Goldman Sachs after seeing such a giant of American, nay, international banking not only getting away with passing off toxic assets and thus defrauding clients out of millions of dollars, and not only making extra boatloads of money by betting on the very failure of those toxic assets passed off onto investors, but getting rewarded for it by the American government in the form of a financial bailout to fix a national economic crisis created largely of Goldman’s own making; a governmental golden parachute, if you will, when most Americans thought Goldman more worthy of a golden shower. That, of course, is most Americans, but not me. I have always believed welfare should go to the most deserving, namely, rich bankers. I was impressed by how Goldman still rewarded you, Mr. Blankfein, sir, with a $54 million compensation package after defrauding a Mississippi public employee retirement fund out of $700 million. Once I saw the post-bailout compensation windfalls to even lesser employees, I knew I wanted to join a company that would offer me a guaranteed payday regardless of my success or failure.

I have no direct banking, finance, or business experience; however I fondly remember walking through my college dining hall and seeing my peers sell, for example, brownies and wristbands as group projects for their Business 101 classes. I occasionally purchased a scrumptious snack, but even when I didn’t, I always offered a pat on the back or fond “attaboy” to show my encouragement for their amateur business ventures.

On a recent trip to Manhattan, I had the privilege of visiting the World Financial Center buildings. I saw many young Merrill Lynch hotshots walking frantically, wearing thousand dollar suits, and carrying disposable Starbucks coffee cups. I was lucky enough to eavesdrop on more than a few of these important business conversations, all of which involved gym trips, working out, and happy hour drinks. This is why I much prefer a career at Goldman, which is far more professional than Merrill’s six figure salaried extended frat life. And how do I know this? I know this because I read @GSElevator, and thanks to that Twitter page, I have an inside look at the work day discussions in the Goldman Sachs elevator, which we all know is where the true business gets done:

My garbage disposal eats better than 98% of the world.”

Obama wants to raise taxes on people making $250K a year. Why is he raising taxes on the poor?

Hey do you have change for a $20? $20’s are change, bro.”

With liberal arts degrees, you’d think these protesters could make better signs.”

And, perhaps truest of all, in light of Goldman Sach’s good fortune in this national economic crisis,

#1: I wish I invested in poverty. It’s up 60% since 2001. #2: We did.”

I admit I do not share the average Goldman broker’s misogyny or hatred for the poor. Shockingly, I share most of Occupy Wall Street’s concerns about corporate hegemony and executive greed. But I am a hard worker and a team player, and I promise I will make every effort to change and, if I am offered a position at Goldman Sachs, I will come up with my own insensitive quip for liberals like me to laugh at guiltily on @GSElevator.

My resume is attached. I look forward to a hasty reply, and I hope you will forgive me for focusing my studies heavily on the liberal arts.

Sincerely,

Keith Stache
The Catholic University of America M.A.
Saint Michael’s College B.A.
123 Main Street
Small Town, USA 12345
Phone: xxx-xxx-xxxx
email: keithstache@gmail.com

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About keithstache

I'm Keith Hernandez's mustache. And you're not. I like bad baseball teams and good beer.

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