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The Whitest Thing I Have Ever Read

After your barista hands you this latte, ask him about his screenplay. No, really, he's dying to show off his true passion.

It was fun to read this guy play into a stereotype. Jason Diamond is a writer. Dude got published in The Paris Review. Sadly (awww!), all anyone remembers is that he used to pour coffee.

Let’s see if we can find a couple insufferable clichés he clicks off in this New York Times memoir-y piece titled, yup,

The Barista’s Curse

Writer with a morning hangover? Check

Writer going to a coffee shop? Check

And the quotes! Oh, the quotes!

“I’ve had to explain to a dozen former customers that, no, I was not a professional barista, that, in fact, I was freelance writing the entire time.”

Every barista ever.

“This is what disturbs me about these encounters: I realize that no matter where I go in life, how much money I make, or how much fun I have making it, I will always be a barista to somebody.”

That’s because the coffee you pour is probably better than that navel-gazing memoir you’ve got tucked away.

I’ll save the last word for commenter Cliff from NYC:

“Tommy DeVito: No more shines, Billy.
Billy Batts: What?
Tommy DeVito: I said, no more shines. Maybe you didn’t hear about it, you’ve been away a long time. They didn’t go up there and tell you. I don’t shine shoes anymore.”

– screenplay, Goodfellas (1990).

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About keithstache

I'm Keith Hernandez's mustache. And you're not. I like bad baseball teams and good beer.

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