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Facebook is Dead! An Obituary.

Without Facebook to post this picture, this night out on the town might as well have never happened.

Facebook, age 7, passed away last night in a tragic accident when a local college student, unaware of YouTube, and apparently under the impression that it’s still 2001, attempted to download 645,000 megabytes of pirated music through Napster, crashing every major server and sending many websites, including social networking titan Facebook, to an abrupt death.

Facebook is survived by his father, Mark Zuckerburg, who, in the wake of tragedy, is still a tool. Additional survivors include that guy who no longer owns the world’s largest (and most annoying) imaginary farm, and that girl who will no longer be able share with her 736 Facebook friends the news of an upcoming chef salad and feta cheese lunch.

Funeral services will be announced shortly. The funeral would have been tentatively scheduled for live simulcast on YouTube if that site weren’t dead, as well.

“I’m in shock,” sobbed Alicia of 15 Everwood Lane as she nestled into her favorite reclining chair, situated, as it has been for two months, in her college dorm room between a now useless computer and that dresser where she keeps mementos from her previous 26 relationships. “Dating used to be a guaranteed ego boost,” sighed Alicia. “If I changed my Facebook status from ‘single’ to ‘is now in a relationship,’ my friends would comment and tell me how happy they are for me and how no one deserves this more. And if my status changed to ‘is no longer in a relationship,’ I could count on my friends writing things like, ‘he was such a loser anyway,’ and, ‘you’re better off without him.’ Either way, I couldn’t lose!”

The sorority girls of Alpha Kappa Beta cancelled a planned evening out clubbing. “If we can’t take pictures of each other making kissy faces and holding up drinks and then post it as an album on Facebook, it’s like it never happened,” cried Kristi.

“I’m going to lose my self-esteem and go on an ice cream eating binge if I can’t sign onto Facebook in the morning and see the latest photo comments from my sorority sisters telling me how pretty and gorgeous I am, with a random ‘U R so Sexxxxy’ thrown in by that creepy guy I met once at a party and never talk to,” worried Madison. “I never should have accepted that guy’s friend request.” Madison took a deep breath, shrugged her shoulders, and gazed askance. “But I’d totally make out with him if it could bring Facebook back.”

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About keithstache

I'm Keith Hernandez's mustache. And you're not. I like bad baseball teams and good beer.

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